the Strangeness that is my life

[salamanca]

Continuing... People told me I had to stay because they "just got here" and the denied the mall was closing. This all came about because Macy's and 6 stores opted to stay open. This soft close meant people were not told to leave. Then they started camping out for a Nike shoe release (45 people waiting to buy 5 in stock pairs of $200 sneakers with no option on size). Naturally, this line was next to our second booth so I returned at 5:30 am to find these bums laying against my stand and sitting at my register (which was piled with their purchases). Security was less than helpful. -- Not as bad as Bravada's closing for the coffee stand. That left a ton of angry shouting morons. The girls literally have their coats piled on the counter as high as my head and people walk up and try and order blended coffee drinks around the coats. -- friday I had 3 people I know drop by to "visit". Yes, these people thought I would have no problem ignoring my register, line of 6 customers, 14 browsers asking specific questions and the 3 unsupervised children carrying things down the concourse to show mommy just to chat about the Thanksgiving Dinner I did not get to have and "how it's going". CREEPY Greg (official nickname) literally followed me for 20 minutes after I told him I had no time to deal with him. Saturday wins for bad. Today people were rude. Mad about things not in stock, prices on stuff not on sale and my unwillingness to simply make whatever they were holding 70% off because they want it. And by mad I mean dropping the product on the floor and stomping off like petulant children. These were adults over 30 years of age upset I was not willing to discount Monopoly and jigsaw puzzles. But. The big dumb moment goes to PacSun. They opened 3 hours late because the manager was on duty and failed to obtain a copy of the holiday hours. Keep in mind the mall only opened 2 hours early so she would have been late without those hours. AND SHE IS IN CHARGE.

[salamanca]

skipped the epic moment of the week.

I had to go grab stuff from storage and on the way down the service hall, one of Santa's assistants is ahead of me. She stops at the door to the area they have set aside for Santa (one I have coveted for years for easy access) and knocks on the door.

Just as I reach the door from inside is heard a voice. Santa is replying in a frail, fake old man voice, "Go away! I don't want to come out there!"

I laughed good and hard at that one.

[salamanca]

Amish ladies were checking out the shirtless guy calendars today. The older one (mom or maybe grandma) was giving a very appreciative browse. The younger one was maybe 20 and pushing a newborn in a stroller. She was wide eyed and literally quivering over them. They spent about 10 minutes reviewing the options. Then one of their neighbors stopped by and bought a snap circuit electrical project set for her son. That's right, the amish are now into electricity.

[salamanca]

So, PS Aeropostal put up the signs announcing they are closing down (something that is nationwide as they failed to replace Justice as the primary children's fashion store). And the Manager at Hot Topic mentioned she hoped the mall had a new tennant in mind as it's bad to be next to an empty space. I mentioned a couple terrible seasonal options (including my company) then dropped another option...A Christian Bookstore. I even suggested selling them the pitchforks for the protests. And we laughed heartily. I later tossed the idea to the mall manager. Normally, he would pause, reflect and actually consider an option. This time he immediately blurted out "no" in a very definitive voice. So if you have any other insane suggestions, toss them out here.

[Black Jack Rackham]

Oh oh, what about that faux oriental style place that can't decide what Asian nation they actually represent? Around here they're called H&D Collectibles they have things like those Chinese room dividers and samurai swords and a metric shit-ton of Buddha statues. That place.

OR Perfumania! THE smelliest damn store outside of Ambercrombie & Fitch (as a bonus, put them side by side)

[salamanca]

Sorry Mark, we already have those two (next door to one another) on the side concourse that rarely gets business (wonder why).

[salamanca]

So, yesterday I saw Dougie, the hapless janitor, wandering my way in deep conversation with Bob, the maintenance guru. It was obvious that Dougie was very serious about the subject because he was waving his arms like a person deeply involved in his subject looking to convert a new follower. Bob was nodding and responding with a calm but serious look on his face. As they passed me I finally could overhear Dougie preaching his cause... "they are the same thing from different companies but I think the Cheese Nips have a better flavor than the Cheezits...". I am quite impressed Bob kept a straight face the whole conversation. Dougie, on the otherhand, is either a Zen master of wisdom or the village idiot. I lean toward the latter but he does seem to earn a living doing far less work than most folks.

[salamanca]

Yesterday we had a bit of an incident, waited until now to post to make sure my facts are straight. Seems the gentleman running the remote control helicopter booth near our other store wasn't up to the very low standards required to do the job. While there have been no test results revealed, said employee allegedly arrived for work "higher than a kite" and proceeded to rant and rave both at passing customers AND the furniture as well as the posts holding up the roof. He also grabbed an entire stack of scratch off prize tickets from a window replacement vendor and tried to break into the automated cell phone vending machine. Security was called along with paramedics and the cops who ended up escorting the guy out. Mall management however have decided this is an employee/employer issue despite the aggression and attempted vandalism/theft to the machine. I truly hate these lowlife junk vendors.

[salamanca]

Open message to holiday shoppers looking for gifts for nephews, nieces and assorted children they barely know:. 99 percent of children do NOT want a metal puzzle that requires you to remove a ring from it. It's a trite and boring gift that proves you have no idea what they like. Also note: If you ask me for "good games like Candyland and Connect 4" you have established that you have no idea what a good game is and deserve me overcharging you for "pop the pig" or "boom boom balloon". In related news: Skip Bo, LCR,Bunco, Labyrinth mazes, Hedbanz, charades and Christmas trivia are NOT fun games. If these are your best entertainment, please ask for guidance to better options. And finally: Sorry, Trouble, and Aggravation are all the same game as Parchesi. They just change the length of the board to confuse your tiny brain. (and the first person to point out cards replacing dice in Sorry will suffer the next session I run for them). yeah, it's been that sort of day for questions.

[kenderleech]

At least your questions are more interesting then "How old is this coffee?" and "do you have any of the 52 oz cups in styrofoam?"

[salamanca]

I get asked about coffee and cup sizes all the time. But they are in reference to calendars. My favorite, however, is the daily genius that asks "why are there no prices on anything?" that needs to have me explain how we have been sneaky and placed the price on a barcoded sticker on the back or side of the box. Also like the daily comment from the loitering mall guy who hangs out every day from open to close (to avoid his brat children at home) asking me if I sleep there. His name is Harold and he is literally one of the first 10 people in the door every morning and security has to kick him out every night.

[kenderleech]

"I want five tickets for whatever lottery plays tonight, and make them winners."

[Black Jack Rackham]

"I want five tickets for whatever lottery plays tonight, and make them winners."

*Handing the tickets over*
"Everyone of these are winners, Sir."
(and under my breath)
"For the Indiana Gaming Commission."

[kenderleech]

My standard reply is something like "if i had that kind of power, we wouldnt be having this conversation" or "Why dont you just give me the five dollars, and then one of us will be happy"

[salamanca]

I have been using a new pitch: "Feel free to ask about any of the games. I have lost at pretty much every game we carry.". I also had a girl today that bought a page a day desk calendar about Beer. She looked somewhere around 18 so I decided to mess with her head and asked for her I.D. She got really nervous and kept pointing out it was just a calendar (and a gift at that) not actual Beer. To which I replied, "that's right, but you are paying with a debit card and I want to make sure you're you."

[salamanca]

Got a text from my opening employee 10 minutes before he is due, "Dave, running a little bit late. Will be there asap". Ok, little late is no big deal and it's an early open so there won't be many shoppers in the building. 15 minutes into the shift, no sign of him. Try to call and he does not answer. Then I remember this is the kid that doesn't realize phones are built to talk on. At the 20 minute late mark, I send a text asking how far off and am really pissed off because had I known it would be this much, I would have called in the kid across the street to babysit until he arrived. Anyhow, he gives me no reply. At the half hour mark, the security guy is asking why we still have a kiosk closed and I start burning all the favors I have been stockpiling with him to avoid a fine for not being open. Keep in mind that absolutely nothing bothers me personally as much as tardiness in this world. So at the hour mark I locked the closet with the metal posts for the tarp to keep myself out of trouble. I also seriously considered calling the closer in early and taking the rest of her shift myself. The boy wanders in an hour and twelve minutes late and has no excuse outside of a half hearted shrug and "sorry i'm late". You will be proud to know I opted to take the high road and inform him that the grown up world does not consider 72 minutes "a little late" and he best learn to do better in terms of both communication AND arrival time. (then I lied to him and set him an impossibly high sales goal to make him sweat all day). And this is the kid the boss wants me to give more hours to.

[salamanca]

Well, just finished the second of 4 holiday gauntlets (black friday, this weekend, next weekend, return day) and I have worked 23 hours this weekend without breaks. Pretty sure I can keep up the pace as long as I keep believing I am a machine. Mind you in 15 hours lots of weird happens. Got called a satanist for selling princess wands. Had a senior lady stop me so she could use me as a crutch while she removed her shoes to continue shopping barefoot. (shoes did look uncomfortable). Had a mexican kid abandoned at the booth for an hour and language barrier prevented us from removing him or finding parents until they returned. Was ordered by a lady to "directly and personally" straighten out the Cards Against Humanity people and get them to sell the game in major stores (which is so not my job). But my absolute highlight (possibly of the year) was a mom who redirected my offer to find or explain any of our product to her 6 year old son. Mom gets his attention from the Minecraft toys and tells him to "tell the man what you want for christmas". This kid looks up and says, "I want a vending machine...full of snacks". I can't say I disagree with the kid, it's a good idea. Now I want one too.

[kenderleech]

Dave, you are a machine.



And It's gonna be a great day.

[salamanca]

9:20 am and I have nerly killed someone already (well 2 people if I am being honest). Second one is the employee that has been on loan to other stores who managed to be 5 minutes late again. First was a lady walking for exercise on the sidewalk who got startled by a huge german shepherd she did not know was chained up. The lady literally ran into the street in front of my car.

[salamanca]

So nothing strange happened to me today except the boss handing me a respectable bonus in a very poignant card. However, yesterday brought a product shipment that included an item in a box that had failed to stay glued together so the materials inside kept tumbling out. I had to resort to the boss' trusty superglue to seal the side of the package. The strange thing was the item in question... ELMER'S PUZZLE GLUE. 6ou read that correctly. The glue company failed to glue the sides of their packages shut. This is a rampant problem with the desk calendars. Most of them are folded without glue and fall apart every time a customer touches them. (which inspires people to not buy the thing).

[kenderleech]

the labels come off of my hobby glue real easy too dave. I think they just dont understand how adhesives that they arent trying to sell work,

[salamanca]

A very nice lady called me "the perfect man" the other day. Unfortunately, she was refering to my being able to answer her questions about starting her son with a D&D set and answering questions about age appropriateness, content and the benefits to be gained from the hobby as well as where to get more stuff and what to buy. But I'll take what I can. (may have to change my title)

[Rebecca Iavelli]

Is everything ok Dave? You haven't posted since the 20th, so we've had no updates on how your Christmas went, or how much snow you ended up with, with the last storm. I hope everything is good, and wait to hear from you on the board again soon.

[salamanca]

There has been no snow, just work. Lots of long tedious days with no breaks. In fact, I have worked 79 hours since the 20th (hence no updates). Nor has there been much entertaining sales as there is no time to talk, just non-stop transactions and sales pitches. I have developed an accurate description of cards against humanity that avoids describing the cards (it's Andrew Dice Clay writing Southpark for HBO). But today I got the all time champion strange question. A customer very seriously asked me if we carried "Banana Pudding". I don't know why he thought a game booth would sell that, but he asked. Mall is still playing carols on the muzak. Pointed out that it was probably starting to offend some of the muslim, hindu and Jewish vendors (as well as me). Hoping tomorrow will bring a return to standard lousy pop music.

[Rebecca Iavelli]

Well, good to hear your still about and kicking. Keep well, and have a Happy New Year!