the Strangeness that is my life

[salamanca]

In the cosplay universe, there are only 2...number 10 and 11. because anyone can buy a blue suit and red tie or a fez.

[Lady Grace]

But they can't always make it work...

[salamanca]

Today, everyone called off sick. You are looking at the only man standing. Even half our golf league called off. Dad, to his credit, put in a half day before he caught whatever this summer sinus cold is. As long as they stay home, I can't catch it.

[salamanca]

So my very dear friend, Joy, finally got off work and showed up for the renn faire as a part-time cast member in the fairy forest. Joy hit the faire like an atom bomb. She was deep in character, held her accent, and was finding more and different bits to do with patrons in every hour than any 4 other cast members do in a whole day. And she has them speaking some strange squeel language to each other that seems to have actual syntax. Bigger miracle, she has the others doing more. Now if we can just get her to understand the layout of the grounds and stop getting lost... On my side of the world, I built some mugs to complement the giant one I designed last week. These are 2 inch tall wooden barrels that hold about half a teaspoon of liquid. One recipient has dubbed his the "moonshine mug for tiny sips". Another is using his for "the amount of Guiness he is willing to share". Better news, it's pirate weekend and there was only 1 Jack Sparrow sighted. But a ton of very nice quality re-enactors in very nice coats.

[salamanca]

Ok, so this afternoon, about the time I am wrapping up the outside work, a customer pulls in with a very plain and mundane tan midsize sedan. He gets out and takes his clubs up to play some golf. This guy is somewhere in his 70's easily if not maybe 80. Not a thing about that is strange is it. So why am I posting this?. Well, this guy had the volume turned way up on the stereo when he pulled in and was rocking out to the Insane Clown Posse. I could have done without senior citizen juggalos.

[salamanca]

Renn faire update:. Our cast member pirate captain (who should not be confused with the pair of re-enactment group captains or the patron pirate captain) went and foolishly got himself a new nickname. But first some background!. Captain Greyhem is the name of his character (a character with not enough personality for me to tolerate at a game table despite his "years of work developing him) and he is played by a very immature 22 year old with minimal manners and impulse issues. So saturday after the show, Capt. G shows up for the evening meal with his ride home (whom we like) and as usual, Capt. G has no money and will not just sit down and behave himself. He is up and down begging people to buy him a meal, interrupting conversations and generally behaving like an attention starved puppy. (at least he didn't piddle on the carpet). Somebody buys him a sandwich that he is too busy goofing around to eat and he designates his driver to take responsibility to make sure his leftovers get taken to the car. He has also failed to thank his benefactor at this point and wandered off to occupy an empty booth in the other part of the restaurant (tying up a table) to watch TV. Our heroic waitress comes in and realizes he has left mud ALL OVER the floor and CHAIR. She calls him a "dirty pants little bastard" (which we all agree on) and someone who was certainly me declares the good Captain just earned himself a new nickname... CAPTAIN DIRTY-PANTS!. So sunday, I take this name to the 2 guys I know will run the joke into the ground. And they do exactly what I expect. The lazy Captain threw a fit. Now many of you have had this happen to characters and you all take it in stride, we have a laugh, wear our shame and move on. Not Captain D. He's having screaming tantrums, threatening to kill me with a spoon (because he is that uncreative that his worst threat is from a robin hood movie) and dropping f-bombs. All actions he repeats sunday after the show at dinner. I was going to let it drop...but evil GM says nope.

[salamanca]

And before anyone panics about his threats, he is totally harmless bluster. They don't let him stage fight out of fear he will injure himself.

[Lady Grace]

Lemmie guess...if anyone calls him out on being a jerk, he claims he's got Aspbergers?

[salamanca]

Nope. He just throws bigger fits. He really just behaves like a 4 year old child. He wants approval, the cool toys and to be the center of attention. He wants to tell you terrible jokes which are not new and to show you the pictures he drew. If you refuse him he has a fit or sulks and pouts. If you get him riled up he forgets his volume control and shouts.

[salamanca]

Some horrible human being called a radio station tonight and requested the song that has been stuck in his head..."take a chance on me" by ABBA. That person deserves a special place in the abyss for spreading that particular earworm and I think I know the solution. We need an Opera cover of all of ABBA's "hits". Think about it for a minute and you will realize that they would all work if sung by Pavaroti or Placido Domingo. (mind you, the poor tenor will go mad)

[salamanca]

CAPTAIN DIRTYPANTS UPDATE: we have needed to suspend calling him by that name. I never even used it today, just gave him a knowing look and a salute and he went off again. Two of the regulars that knew what was up tried and failed to get the kid to comprehend that 1) the best way to take a joke is to laugh and let it roll off your back and 2) investing well over a grand in costume and weapons does not create a character. It did get to the point that the cast director gave him a solid chewing out about growing up and whatnot (which he had been looking for an excuse to do). But I am tabling it because the kid has literally failed to learn from it and if we continue, he is going to throw his fit in front of the patrons and that is just bad for the faire. IN OTHER FAIRE NEWS: we now have drones... One of our regulars bought a remote drone to film our pub sing at the end of the day from above. I don't know why. Nerds that we are, the main debate was on building a new shell for it to resemble a pirate ship, a dragon or Serenity.

[salamanca]

Well, at least nobody got hurt or killed...and now you are curious just what happened. So, this evening, I am heading to the store and I see a couple renn faire friends loading groceries into the car and decide to stop to wish them well on their next show. BIG MISTAKE!. I pull in put the car in park and am talking to them through the window. We are parked in the parking spaces that circle the town square and the occasional car drives by behind us. All of a sudden, this tractor trailer hauling a bulldozer rumbles by and a tire comes loose, rools down the road about 30 feet and hits my car right behind the back tire. It the bounces harmlessly into the village green. This tire missed my friends by less than a yard. But it tripped something in the car so it won't start and smashed the crap out of the back quarter panel. Now, as fortune favors Dave, the guy behind the truck, not only saw the whole thing, he also saw the first tire on that axle come loose 200 yards earlier and hit a house. That samaritan chased the truck down and got a liscense plate number and the highway troopers tracked him down. BUT THE IMPORTANT FACTOR IS NO INJURIES. Now, I must tread carefully and build my Drama Pool back up because I think I spent them.

[salamanca]

Today I smelt of Elderberries. And my hands are purple. (also from harvesting elderberries). Grandma wanted 3 quarts to freeze for pies later in the year. Unfortunately, the birds have been feasting and the winter also took a toll on the various wild plants on the grounds but I gathered what I could and came up a cup short. So I went back out, crashed through acres of overgrown fields behind my house and stumbled on a few more plants and scavenged what I could... Exactly 1 cup worth. I could not do that again if I tried. I also found a good pint worth of black raspberries and some wild mint. And some fool has mounted a tree stand for deer hunting back on that power line in my yard. Admittedly, the tree he has it in is in a great kill zone and it's a spot the deer habitually travel in but whoever put it there did not ask so I am gonna need to scale a tree and appropriate that chair for myself.

[Lady Grace]

One of the things I do miss about MA was being able to pick black raspberries (at least until my [BLEEP] of a father torched all the canes) and wild blueberries.

[salamanca]

Grace, buy a couple plants and stick them in the yard. But I willrecommend blackberries as they ripen a bit earlier and have no thorns. Today's odd thing... The music player is on shuffle for the morning. Every R.E.M. Song was followed by the B-52's (don't judge me).

[salamanca]

So, tonight was the final night for the weekly golf league we run. So who pulls out the final match and wins the championship?. My 90 year old grandpa. He not only won tonight's match by 6 points but he accumulated the most points over the whole season. He's sneakier than I am. So after that got wrapped up, I went out for the weekly debacle dinner with mom and dad. And we end up at the winery with lousy service and limited menu (they offer spaghetti, a burger, a chicken sandwich and a cheese plate). Worse it's open mike night. So this beefy biker wanders up and borrows a guitar. Harley t-shirt, leather chaps, black bandanna, beard...probably nicknamed "chainsaw". Deep growly voice tells us he's gonna play some of his favorite tunes and I sit back to watch this trainwreck. Song starts and the biker starts singing in this high squeeky voice (the singing voice Gomer Pyle should have had, not the good one he actually had). And what is this biker singing?. JAMES TAYLOR. The entire set was nothing but 70's soft pop hits.

[salamanca]

So I spent my evenings this weekend working as a closer for the calendar and game store at the other mall the boss has a franchise in. Several things are abundantly clear to me after this stint:. 1- crappy old toys never stay gone. We are selling "Monchhichis" (those weird monkey baby dolls from the 70's), Sea Monkeys, and backflipping dogs. Worse, people are buying them. 2- I forget how culturally diverse Cleveland gets 15 minutes southwest of my normal mall. Today alone, I dealt with immigrant residents from India, Japan, Korea, Suadi Arabia, Russia, South Africa, Isreal, and possibly Romania. And all of them were polite (except the Russians). However, the Indian gentleman planning to take a train set back to India for his son probably forgot to consider the TSA. (train sets are only full of metal track, wires, an electrical control panel, various capacitors...you know bomb parts). 3- we don't have crap for new games this year. We got a 3D tic tac toe game, a geek trivia game, a Mad libs knock off they hope to sell to the Cards against humanity crowd, and a reduced size apples to apples that is still 30 bucks.(which is too much for twice the cards). 4- our staff there sucks. 3 days and they did not get their whole 100 box shipment out on display because they can't process where stuff belongson shelves. I debated doing it for them then opted to just handle the key boxes. 5- there never has and never will be a good reason to sell a "Big Bang Theory" version of Scrabble. Sorry, don't care how popular the show is, it's freaking Scrabble.

[salamanca]

Ok, not too much weirdness when you spend the week mostly isolated (waiting on the car to return). But this was a weekend where everything broke. Wristwatch that was in my pocket shattered the cryatal face and stopped working friday, furnace may have malfunctioned earlier but I have not needed it so I didn't notice until...friday, computer mouse decided to stop working (in the middle of a project) the same day. SATURDAY... The 5 year bulbs in the kitchen AND bathroom gave out (after about 5 years...never swap both at the same time). Broke the tachometer cable on the tractor saturday as well. Just weird little things that need a car to run to the store for a minor part. BUT THE CAR IS STILL AT THE BODY SHOP. It was due to be done today and the manager assured me it was going to be all fixed by the end of the day BUT (yeah, there was a "but"...wait for it...) it would not be ready to be picked up because they would not be able to WASH it before they closed for the day. So here I sit for one more day without my car because somebody can't hose it down before they leave. 30 days since the accident for a 10 day repair. Ironically, I was on my way to washing the car when the accident happened. (so feel free to tell your friends you know a guy that is so picky it took him a month to get his car washed properly). All I know is that this thing better sparkle like a Stephanie Meyer vampire tomorrow.

[salamanca]

Last night I wandered into the local "you can game on our tables" game store mostly to see Big Jim who I knew would be doing something for Privateer press. (which he was). And in the back corner, there was a young guy with a table of 8 twenty-somethings and a guy in his mid 30's playing pathfinder. The older player actually arrived after I did so he's coming in late. He then displaces a couple players to make room for his laptop so he can access his character spreadsheet. I disregard the entire thing and have my conversation when the guy that came in late suddenly jumps up and throws a rage quit fit. He's shouting about how he cannot play with this group if that's the way they are going to behave (but with no disrespect to them personallly). From what I gather he tried to engage the party in a quasi roleplay conversation about the group's long term goals while they were in the middle of a combat. (a combat he was ignoring as he wandered in late and had knocked aside the minis to make room for his stuff). The group tries to politely let him have his fit and move on but the girl in the corner tries to get back into the game by asking "what's going on?" and the quitter freaks out shouting =you are trying to get by without a wizard because you are all stupid enough to think you don't need me". After his fit, they continue. And the dude sticks around to watch and snark the rest of the session!. I swear, I almost asked for his spot just to tell him to quit like a man and leave the building. Poor GM was too green to tell him to go.

[salamanca]

Ok, end of last week I got hit by a deer.

Before you ask, "Hey Dave, did the car you just got back from the body shop really just get hit by a deer?" the answer is no, the car is fine. I never mentioned the car.

I got hit by a deer. In the yard walking home after dusk.

Wandered into the yard and startled q small herd and the little one I have been watching grow up all summer panicked and ran toward me instead of away like the rest and knocked me on my butt.

I shall pause while you all laugh now. go ahead, it's damn funny.

For the record, he's still small and weighs maybe a hundred pounds and has not developed any antlers so it's was like getting tackled by a hundred pound kid in the yard. Got up, dusted myself off, no harm, no bruises.

And I knocked him down too so don't go thinking he totally got the best of me.

Thought you all should enjoy that.

Feel free to keep laughing all day.

[Rebecca Iavelli]

That's just your real animal magnetism at work Dave. Luckily the whole herd didn't run you down.

[salamanca]

Well, we set up the first calendar booth wednesday night and opened thursday. And I promised Mark interesting stories full of incompetance as they happen. And yes, that means tales on Day two. So on Day 1 I find my favorite maintneance guy has been promoted. He's running the whole second shift. His nephew is on the crew and browsing the calendars durinfg work (a common hobby for all the crew). So Jim, the guy in charge now, chews him out for being late again and warns him that another screw up is going to result in disciplinary write ups. (the kid wanders off about now). Jim tells me he has been overlooking the kid being late but it's become a daily issue. Now I don't know about the rest of you but if the boss warns me that I am one mistake away from facing punishment, that means it's time to buckle down and do a very diligent effort at my job today and probably find some extra stuff to take care of to get back in good graces. Not this kid. He wandered back 10 minutes later and spent the next 2 hours looking at calendars.

[salamanca]

So today I got to call in a helper because we were expecting the arrival shipment for the game booth. So I called in my favorite henchman and left him to sell stuff while I waited for the truck and put the finishing touches on the calendar booth. The truck was on time and actually a little too early. I got 5 beautiful full pallets of games and jigsaw puzzles. All ready to set up on sunday night and sell on monday. There is just one minor problem... The shipping company failed to deliver any shelving. I do not have a single bit of the actual kiosk to put the games on. They lost 3,200 pounds of shelves. So I will be delayed in selling any copies of Firefly edition Clue. (yes, that is a real product)

[salamanca]

Well, still no word or sign of the shelves. Did get yelled at by angry customer because "last year you had jigsaw puzzles and now you are selling calendars instead". Not sure if I am more surprised he was looking for a puzzle or failed to realize we always sell calendars. Either way, he failed to notice the 16 foot long kiosk was not there yet. Then the phone guy showed and quickly relocated our phone. (which I later realized had the ringer off since we opened). And while I was relocating the register, some clown suddenly decided he needed to buy one of our discount calendars NOW. Seeing as. I needed to reconnect the electircal line and phone to the new outlets, I apologized for the delay and worked fast. (but that still took a full minute). He then stood there for 3 minutes after the transaction yelling at me for the delay which had apparently made him late to do something important. (but it would seem not so late to stand and yell at me). The phone guy was still there and found the irony side splitting. Outside of that, quiet day.

[salamanca]

Shelves were found, did not ask where. Today's oddness:. I saw a teenage girl walk by and she looked about 6 months pregnant. She was wearing a T-shirt that read: "what happens at Prom, stays at Prom". I think she may have been mis-informed.