tales from retail 2012 edition

[salamanca]

Well, season is over, I survived. May as well share some stupidity.

Let's start with a list of stuff we do not have calendars for. While I realize some of these may even make sense, the truth is your (your as in the generic odd customer with odd tastes) hobby/ interest is just not all that popular.

-Black and white photos of Pears. Yeah, fruit all looks pretty much alike. One picture of a Pear looks like any other 11.

- Peter Lawford. I get he was cool and hung out with Sinatra but that was 50 years ago. And he was the least popular member of that group.

- Little House on the Prairie. Ok, it was a top ten show... in the 70's. Time to move on lady.

- Bonanza. Sorry Lady even older show with a slightly better staying power. Still no Calendar.

- Actor Dennis Franz (preferably shirtless). Really? The Fat old guy from NYPD Blue? Even he does not want to see that calendar.

- Firefly. It got canceled partly into it's first season. Don't care how good it was, it will not have a calendar.

- Sons of Anarchy. I get that it's an allegedly good show but it's a cable drama.

- Yo yos. It's more of an activity and it does not convert to still photos well.

- Albino Black Labs. Seriously? I cannot comment on how dumb this request was. It broke me for two days.

-Guns and Roses (original Line-up). Well with Rock Hall induction, at least it sounds pausible but they don't even talk to each other.

- Dinosaurs. Not that odd until you discover the man asking wants PHOTOS not paintings.

- Mustangs, the cars. Yeah we have that. but we do not have one that is exclusively 1968 red ones.

- Beagle/Great Dane Mix breeds. Sorry your dog got molested, we don't have pics of the offspring.

- Unicorns. Actually, we used to be able to get those. No idea why they cut them out.

- The Far Side. Sorry, Gary Larson retired. Move on. you did not get one last year, you have not had one for 7 years. Move on with your life.

- Nickleback. I'm sorry you need a calendar of a lousy band. I don't have one.

- Audrey Hepburn with recent photos. Really? eeeewwwww.

- Coffee Stains. Actually, this intrigues me as a rorshach test type thing but we don't sell it.

- Miley Cyrus/ Selina Gomez in swimsuits. CREEPY OLD MAN ALERT!!!!! Go away before a I call the cops.

- Dead Plants. Yep, they wanted potted dried up plants.

- Beatles without John Lennon in it. Somebody hates the Walrus it seems.

- CIA snipers. Sorry, they keep those classified.

- Pictures of boardgames so I don't have to buy them all. That is why they don't sell that calendar, they want you to buy them all.

[salamanca]

The oddest question of the year and it was a long and rambling request:

"I'm looking for this game we played in Texas. It had cards and a board with pegs in it. you scored points based on the cards you played."

- You want Cribbage.

"No, it wasn't Cribbage but it was sort of like that." You had 4 pegs and went around the board and had to get all your pegs around the board."

- Sounds like a combination of Cribbage and Parchisi.

"I don't think I ever heard of Parchisi."

- It's the game they based Sorry on. You may also have played other variations like Aggravation or Trouble.

"Never heard of any of those but this was really fun."

-do you remember a name or a company logo on the box?

"It didn't have a box. the guy we played with said he made the game up and built the board himself. do you sell it?"

- {headdesk} {facepalm} {Deep breath} So, you are saying the person you played with told you he had invented this game and built the board himself?

"yeah."

-And he didn't say anything about having sold it?

"Nope he said it was his only copy. Do you sell it?"

-No we do not.

"well why not? it was a really fun game."

-The closest I can sell you is a deck of cards and a copy of Parchisi so you can use that.

"It used two decks of cards."

-I can sell you two decks.

"But you don't have the rules for it?"

-No, those you would need to contact the guy you played with and ask him to send you a copy.

"Well, do you know any other stores that might have it?"

-As a matter of fact...


I should mention this entire conversation happened 15 minutes after I had left work when the boss CALLED me and handed his cell phone to the customer because he thought we might carry this game. I was standing in our competitor's store, talking to a friend that works there. Obviously, I payed the headache forward and referred him down the mall to said friend.

[Black Jack Rackham]

- Firefly. It got canceled partly into it's first season. Don't care how good it was, it will not have a calendar.

Yup it was awesome. Wish it hadn't been cancelled. BUT I don't need to remember it with calendars, I have the DVDs

Albino Black Labs. Seriously? I cannot comment on how dumb this request was. It broke me for two days.

Best. Request. Evar!

Dinosaurs. Not that odd until you discover the man asking wants PHOTOS not paintings.

My first thought was the old show from the 90's

CIA snipers. Sorry, they keep those classified.

Someone loves them some Wierd 'Al' eh?

The oddest question of the year and it was a long and rambling request...snip

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Oh and you're an evil, evil man.

[salamanca]

I half suspect the sniper thing was someone who figured the best way to verify or refute a claim made to them about somebody else being a sniper. (yeah, I get people like that regularly). I shall share more later. Stories will include how to survive a remodel, the worst toilet repair in history, the one person you should never tick off, how I became the worst person in the mall, tracking the store closings, leaky roofs, why I now love Hot Topic, trains, stupid boss activities, best and worst game of the year, janitor misbehavior, paul blart's rolemodels, my hat, jealous competitors, hickory farms, worst santa promo ever, and a few I have mentally blocked for now. Feel free to request if any of those intrigue you.

[Sister Sonya]

- Miley Cyrus/ Selina Gomez in swimsuits. CREEPY OLD MAN ALERT!!!!! Go away before a I call the cops.

Hey! Let's be inclusive rather than exclusive in Altamira. By the way, is this a G or PG website?

[salamanca]

Nope, no mercy for this one. The guy is a creepy stalker and very likely is already on at least one list of offenders. There will be no inclusion for this guy.

[Black Jack Rackham]

...Feel free to request if any of those intrigue you.

Um...all of them?!?

But if I have to choose, these are the top of my list (in no particular order).

the worst toilet repair in history, the one person you should never tick off, how I became the worst person in the mall, why I now love Hot Topic, stupid boss activities, janitor misbehavior, paul blart's rolemodels, jealous competitors, and worst santa promo ever.

[Black Jack Rackham]

By the way, is this a G or PG website?

Actually I'm shooting for PG-13.

[Sister Sonya]

Nope, no mercy for this one. The guy is a creepy stalker and very likely is already on at least one list of offenders. There will be no inclusion for this guy.

What about a dirty old woman? Or a creepy woman of the cloth?

What about a calendar of a buff Bieber?

[salamanca]

See if that had happened, I would have brought it up. I did not have that. I did have a creepy old guy that I debated calling the cops on and have to watch like a hawk when he is browsing the booth.

[salamanca]

Let's talk about storefronts and toilets in this post.

We used to have 2 calendar kiosks in the mall, then the company got budget conscious and cut back assuming that everyone in the mall would walk the full half mile length and have no trouble finding the remaining spot. (the boss also foolishly believed this)

Well, this year, they wised back up but the mall is in the midst of a remodel and doesn't want a ton of shelving cluttering it's pretty concourse. So they talk the corporate office into a store. the boss and his wife see instant dollar signs because their other mall has a store and it sells everything so they can cut back on rent and employee pay (since they understaff that store) NOBODY asks me what I think. Nobody looks at the actual store offered before they sign the lease. Nobody looks at the exact location or the layout.

So I get the first peek when it's too late to say no.

The store is situated between two stores that have extended window displays so we are pretty much invisible. It also has no functioning lighting in the front window so that is strike two. It is also one of the smallest stores in the mall so any plans of selling everything (calendars, games, toys and books) should be out the window. It is also directly next to a local game store franchise that has a zero compete clause in it's contract so I can't place so much as a teddy bear in the place in terms of toys and games.

Now by small I mean about 4,000 square feet of floor space. Which is huge unless you are talking store space. The boss gives me 4 days and no help to set the whole damn thing up. Our store room has no backdoor and is the size of a hotel bathroom.

Now about that bathroom...

I get that the store was out of use for 8 months. I get that the mall let some contractors store stuff in there. I get that they would need to use the toilet. BUT THE WATER WAS SHUT OFF! If the first guy didn't figure that out, the second one should have. It takes me a week of arguing with the mall and water company to get anybody to agree to it being turned on. (the mall thinks it is our responsibility to contact the water company and turn the water on. The water company insists on being contacted by the mall for this despite our willingness to pay the bill) But we get the water on just before opening.

Annnnd the seal around the flush valve is dried out and leaks water into the bowl. the boss sees this as a problem that needs rectified if it means stopping the planet to do so. But he is unwilling to drop a penny on the project as he sees it as a mall expense. the mall disagrees and stands firm. I wait for the water to swell the thing back to sealing shut in a few days.

Unfortunately, it is not the last toilet problem. The flush valve chain in the tank is also old and the seal is now very strong so you have to push the lever hard to get it to flush and it keeps separating links in the chain. So the toilet doesn't flush and the chain comes loose and you have to stick your hand into the clean water in the tank to flush the thing and fix the chain. (unless you are smart enough to turn the water off, flush then fix the chain before refilling it, which nobody else seems to be) The boss decides this is also unacceptable but he will fix that. He bends the flush valve lever to thread it through the flush valve.

I will just guess here that nobody reading will understand why this is a bad idea. Trust me, it is. 4 things can happen when you do it. 1- it works for awhile. 2- it works once then jams and you have to open the tank and fiddle with it every time you flush. 3- it bends and does not flush 4- the lever breaks.

we got 1 and 4. 4 happened within 24 hours.

So the boss again fixes the problem by chaining together a series of loops made of zip ties. He runs them through the valve and hangs them out the top of the tank so you have to pull the little tie tab to flush the toilet. However, he has looped them in such a way that they snag on the lip of the tank and prevent the valve from seating causing it to keep running into the tank. (back where we started)

The maintenance janitor took a look, laughed, took a picture with his phone and suggested I submit it to "I fixed it myself.com"

[salamanca]

Let's discuss the big guy of the season for a second.

No, not me. I'm talking about Santa.

If you remodel your mall, you cannot think about marching out the big man without giving him new digs as well. So the mall sold off the old display (the one they just refinished last season) for a brand new shiny set full of giant polar bears and snowmen that look like they escaped from Tim Burton's dreams of Dr. Seuss. (cool but a little creepy) Instead of the old, worn green and gold throne, Santa got a brand new extra wide bench seat throne that could seat 5 easily. (I tried it out, it will seat at least 5. it is also hard as a rock. I do not envy the big guy having to sit on that all day)

So what could you possibly do aside from crashing into it to ruin a brand new santa display in it's first season?

Pet pictures with Santa.

Yep, I know it's a trend. I get most people actually like their pets. But pets are not your children. They do however loose bladder and bowel control when in strange settings and surrounded by other animals. the dogs managed to stain the entire santa bench.

Personally, I could find better ways to spend 40 grand (yep that is 40,000 dollars) than a new santa display.

[Black Jack Rackham]

The maintenance janitor took a look, laughed, took a picture with his phone and suggested I submit it to "I fixed it myself.com"

That is EXACTLY what I was thinking... (and for the record, yes, I do know why bending the flush arm is a bad idea).

MORE STORIES! MORE STORIES!

[salamanca]

How about a write up on competitors.

I had an armful of competition this year. And my helpful customers were very alert in telling me so almost daily.

-Apparently, Borders was selling calendars. I thought they were out of business but several very confident customers insisted they could go there and buy a calendar cheaper if I would not give them a deal.

-the dollar store across the street had calendars much cheaper but not in the style they wanted. (I left that choice up to the shopper, save money or like the pictures)

-Toys r Us opened their seasonal express store right next to me again. Cassie, the manager, and I have a good understanding and help each other out where we can. People are shocked I would refer a customer there but there is more than enough to share.

-Spencer's opened a costume store that turned into a Toy store (called Toyzam) on Nov. 2nd. Jimmy, the manager, was easy enough to get along with and had limited games but a few key ones I couldn't get so we spent the season sending people back and forth as well.

-and that leaves Recess. the local franchise. I've known one employee for a dozen years and another for 8. I took the time when they opened last year to walk up and introduce myself to the owner so he knew exactly who I was and would never be able to claim I was spying on his business. (this is the guy with the no compete clause)

We opened and he threw a fit about us being there. The mall backed us as we are in year 9 and he hasn't been there 11 months. We have a slight overlap in puzzles and the smattering of party games he carries but his money is in theory earned selling eurostyle games and Melissa and Doug style toys. So really, all he can do is benefit from my being there and sending him the game players that are too advanced for my products.

Instead he decides to tell his staff that I am not to be tolerated in the store even if I am shopping for myself. He is paranoid that I will steal customers, talk down his product or steal his staff (none of whom actually play games or know anything about them) So, this of course means it is on.

with a little help from Cassie and Jimmy, we shut down his whole season. We referred to a competitor just down the street he never even heard of. I placed the game store signs in the window display of the calendar store next to him with an arrow pushing them up the mall. Friends working the mall information booth forgot he existed as did the security guards asked for directions.

worse for him, his staff kept slipping up and telling me how they were doing. Beat him 40 to 1 in sales christmas week.

Funniest thing about it... My boss walked past his store for over 2 months and never realized it existed. (He is that self absorbed)

[salamanca]

How about a few security stories.

The mall in it's sweeping renovations decided to also switch Security firms for their mall cops. It happens and when it does, rarely does the staff stay intact.

We shifted services at the start of September. the new chief was selected from the current staff and they kept everybody except the old chief. (but he is young and a good guy and should have no trouble at his next post with the old company)

The new chief is the oldest member of the staff in age and has been on the job since... the day we moved out last season. (so he has 8 months and a week on the job) First order of business is to whip these bums into shape by writing them up every time they break any new policy. Half the staff gets run out of town due to excessive writeups before we move in at the end of October. (4 and out basically) The rest are teetering at 3 writeups and could go at any time.

the new crew is what you expect. Overzealous, disenchanted with the handtying rules for security, and either really sociable or very aloof. None inspire respect, fear or confidence in their abilities. On top of that, I need to call them every single time I need into my main storage area because after 9 seasons i am still not trusted with a key. (rant on that forthcoming) And none of these clowns know me or can remember who I am. So we do this weird round of calling security then calling the office to get the office to call security to confirm I can be let into the storage area followed by a second round of mistrust when I am the only person waiting by the door and they need extra proof I am who I claim to be.

On top of that, the new chief is threatening to kick me out of the mall if I don't start wearing the top hat immediately. (turns out he was not kidding, he really likes the top hat) I find it strange he is obsessed with my hat that he only saw me wear one day last season but he is the chief.

Ok, so I got new guy problems, we get those every year. But the security staff continues to have issues all during the peak season. they fire the second in command for being unfit for duty after calling him in for a 20 hour shift 3 hours after he finished a 20 hour shift. This leads to a string of old staff quitting in the second week of december. At the same time, 3 of the new hires are suddenly discovered to have falsified information on their applications and fired as well. Suddenly our staff of 15 guards is down to 6 and 3 of them are part timers.

this is at the peak of the season. We are operating at 16 hour days and we have one guard on duty at a time for the whole mall. Getting into the storage area is now close to impossible. the new hires are even dumber than the guys they replaced and need maps to find their way around. The only hire with people skills and a knowledge of the mall is immediately assigned overnight duty when the mall is closed.

the one incident we had that involved a report had me triple checking the notes because the security officer kept switching my name with the perpetrator's. Why they hired a 67 year old guard, I have no idea.

then the new chief turns in his two week notice on christmas eve.

Mall management fails to find a replacement that can start in that time and tells the remaining staff, "nobody is in charge, go do your jobs" You can imagine how that week went. The longest tenured member wandered down on her shift, sat on my chair and hung out for 5 hours one day. (at least we were secure)

The newest guy decides to spend the week hitting on women working various stores. (he is already on his way out)

The new new chief shows up and immediately gets even stricter than the last guy. He shows up just before we close up.

On our close up night, I call asking to get into storage and the new chief tells me he is sending a guy. 20 minutes pass so I call back. New chief is surprised I am calling because his guy said he talked to us and we really did not need into storage today. I assure him we do and the new ladies man wanders up in about 5 minutes glaring at me. He then gives me all sorts of grief about our plans to leave a door unlocked, being in and out of the area, who is working with us, etc. I remind him that this is year 9 for me and I know what I am doing and the mall knows what I am up to as well and he can just get used to it.

Then the newest guy makes the dumbest mistake he could. He stops two of our tear down team while they are using a soda machine but ignores the others. (he stops the minorities) I rip into him pretty good, let out all the frustration of everything going wrong with the tear down and chew him up and down. He skulks off and I half expect to find myself locked out of the storage area and needing to explain to the mall manager why his pretty concourse is full of boxes the next morning.

Surprisingly, he just hid in the office and let us finish. He wandered down about a half hour before wee finished and yelled at a couple of my team when I wasn't around and demanded I call when we were finished (like I wasn't going to do that)

the next day, I'm sitting around the mall waiting for the truck to pick up all the crates and my tenured pal on security tells me the new, new chief wants to see me about yesterday. So I figure the ladies man ratted me out for yelling at him. Instead, the new chief wants to meet me and apologize for their miscommunication on opening the storage area and ask my opinion of the ladies man. So I tell him everything.

And once again, security is shorthanded.
(moral of the story: never profile if your new boss is a minority)

[salamanca]

So who should you never tick off?

It's a short list. most people you can tick off and eventually, it will settle and never come back to haunt you. But if you are a business, the list is really short. You never tick off anybody who can shut you down by signing a sheet of paper.

The health inspector
the fire inspector

That's about it.

So, my mall has completed this glorious remodel full of very pretty new tile, fancy column resurfacing, new carpet, and a nice paint job inside and out. It's all new, all fancy and all improved...

except that nobody took the time or spent the money to fix the roof.

The building is 50 years old and it's been long overdue for another re-roofing. (yes, it was done in the past but it's been at least 20 years) It leaks like a sieve. So we get rain and it rains inside through the skylights and through the rest of the ceiling where it collects through various holes. I've been on the roof and it scares me. Standard first thing in the morning procedure is to look for wet spots on the floor and drag a trashcan under it. (yes, that is their solution) It is worse with the new carpet as the mottled grey colors make it impossible to see leaks and you need to get down and drag a hand across the floor. (i taught the janitors that trick, that is how dumb the staff is)

Unfortunately when we get rain after snow, the roof drains clog with ice and flood the roof in areas. On a good roof this would be survivable. but on the old roof, it comes through in bad ways. Two years ago it collapsed the Children's Place store roof on christmas eve just before opening. This year it collapsed the back store room at Pac Sun and the roof on the sales floor in New York and Company on the same night.

Now, the mall claims it had no idea that could happen in Pac Sun. Yet that section was scheduled for replacement in August but nobody pushed the contractor to get it done. And the interior ceiling of the store had been covered with plastic sheeting since September. (a truly ugly sight they have been complaining about all season)

Worst of all, the water got in the fire alarm system setting it off in a false alarm. The electrician removed the sensor system and tied off the wiring but refused to install a new one until the roof is fixed. (as it will just happen again) the fire inspector was less than pleased and reminded the mall they could be fined if it is not fixed in 3 days.

Then the fire inspector went down to fiddle with the alarm box to override the alarm (after 6 hours of it going off every 7 minutes, a fun day I assure you) and noticed a few discrepencies. So she calls the maintenance director to ask him about those. He promptly tells her to get the hell out of his mall and mind her own business.

Our fire inspector has stopped by off duty before and she is fairly pleasant. I am, however, totally afraid of her when she is on duty. She scares me more than anybody else I have ever dealt with professionally. I would not cross her for any amount of money. She takes things personally because she is convinced that anything she lets slide WILL result in a death. When word of this little dispute leaked (via my pal Jim the janitor) I saw store staffers moving and clearing out stuff that hasn't moved in years just in case she stopped in.

She is going to hit that mall with the finest tooth comb you can imagine and I am glad I will not be present for it.

Pac Sun, by the way, is using this opportunity to check with her on exactly what needs to be done and how so they can be safe and up to date. (and get that nasty plastic sheeting off their ceiling)

[salamanca]

Sorry fell asleep at the wheel and forgot to update this.

Why I love Hot Topic First off, it's all geek stuff instead of gothy now.

Secondly, the Manager is concentrated awesome. At halloween, she explained her candy policy. she keeps a bowl of the good stuff for the little kids and the local kids. A bowl of the cheap and nasty stuff for kids that get dropped in their development. and the special bag for the teenagers who don't even dress up. So what is in the special bag? Taco Bell sauce packets, mustard, fabric softener promos that showed up in the mail and old shoes. Yeah, old shoes. Her staff also gets that they are viewed with fear by most of the senior citizens in the mall and run with it. They happily go about playing up the whole perky goth thing just to confuse the masses.

thirdly, they have a TV in the window that plays loops of video game and movie trailers. I got to watch the avengers trailer every 16 minutes every day.

fourth, they have ridiculously stupid promotions and the staff go overboard to be silly about them. Twilight offered up a copy of the wedding invitation with merchandise purchase. Our staff labeled them as "BYOB". Valentines day had a blacked out window with a heart shape cut out hiding a scandalous photo of a lady pulling on a pair of pants. (it was possibly the most explicit window ad I've seen including victoria's secret) they added a sign with an arrow pointing out it was naughty. When the mall hosted a kids beauty pageant outside their store, they put up signs inviting contestants to shop with them and be original instead of just a pretty face.

How I became the most hated guy in the mall Turns out I outdid myself here. The week we closed there was a marketing meeting for tenants of the mall. During our season, I show up, note the events and try to be as supportive as I can with a boss that refuses to do anything that actually costs us money like donations. Since there are only 2 managers that attend who have been there longer than me, I also help out with explanations on how previous attempts have gone well or poorly. (our marketing manager has only been here for two years and has no idea how stuff worked before that) With the remodel, this year has also been spent using these meetings to explain where we are in terms of getting stuff finished and what problems are popping up that the office is less aware of. (Customers seem to think that since I work in the middle of the mall, I work for the mall. the staff at the coffee shop get even more of the complaints)

So here we are at my last meeting before moving out. There are numerous issues that I have heard complaints about like lack of garbage cans, parking lots not being cleared of snow, lights being off in the concourse (to save money), etc. On top of this, there are a handful of stores dealing with problems that were supposed to be fixed in September. 4 of these stores are managed by people I am friendly with so I volunteer to be the guy that speaks out about all of it because I am leaving and they have to deal with the mall office all year round.

I really planned to be low key about this. Honest.

Then the Marketing Manager says, "I want to open the floor to comments and questions about how the mall is operating now that the remodel is basically finished. does anybody have any feedback from staff or customers they want to share?"

Those of you that have gamed with me know how I get when I have an obviously unprepared and inexperienced GM that tries to run a railroad. Well, I like our marketing manager, I started off with a softball comment about customers looking for trashcans.

She responded with total defensiveness and denial and then she got snippy. So I went into gamebreaker mode. I honestly could not recall the exact run I went through but I hit every issue that is remotely wrong in that mall and where it went wrong and how it should be rectified. The nice part was that her personal pet peeve is floor signs being placed in the concourse by stores and how it makes the mall look like a street fair. I would happily surrender a week's pay for the look I got when I pointed out that the mall itself has two signs in the concourse for every sign placed there by a store. (yeah, I counted one day) I even tilted a windmill for PacSun who suffered 6 months with a tarp stapled to their ceiling and suffered roof leakage and damage two days prior to the meeting.

After the meeting, three store managers told me I was their new hero. Several others asked my pal Steph at the coffee shop if she knew me and were either shocked I spoke up like that or glad somebody did.

The Mall Manager chewed me out 2 days later. He was upset I took that stuff up with her in a meeting that was officially for marketing (she opened the floor, not me). He was upset that I did not take those matters up with him and said it would have been acceptable had he been at the meeting.

So I pointed out that the last time he attended a meeting was the year before when the meeting turned out to be the press conference about the remodel. I asked him if he had wanted me to bring up the more ongoing issues in front of the press.

Game, set, match.

According to Steph, the office underlings are still commenting about it.

[spizio]

Mark can you write an adventure with albino black labs?